The Mushy Pear

You know, there’s been a lot of talk in the past few decades about the wonders of nuclear power. Admittedly, less talk after the disaster in Japan killed 7 million people, but talk nonetheless. The French actually get 93% of their power from nuclear sources, and they make some of the best fried snails around. So it’s not surprising that there’s a pretty strong push these days to look for various forms of alternative energy. Nobody wants to be like the French, am I right!

Now, we could go with some other options, like solar or wind energy, but there are a few problems with those. First, they’re kind of dirty hippy power sources, and that makes me uncomfortable. We didn’t fight off the Ruskies in three different wars to let the commies win. And second, we can’t be dependent on foreign energy to meet our domestic demands. What happens when the sun decides to team up with the other celestial bodies and charge triple rates for sunlight? Not in my America.

No, there’s only one real solution here: coal. And yes, I know what you’re thinking – coal is dirty. But put it to you this way: what mineral did Superman choose to give to Lois Lane in Superman III? I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t depleted uranium. It was coal. Coal is deeply embedded in the cultural and economic fabric of America.

Did you know that the United States has the greatest coal reserves in the world? We’ve got nearly twice as much as the Russians, three times as much as the Chinese, and a hundred times what the Mongolians have got. The Mongolians! You can’t beat numbers like that. Imagine a world where we don’t have to rely on Saudi oil, Canadian uranium, or Martian sunlight. Can you picture it? I know I can, and it’s a dirty, sooty world of wonders.

Now, we’re already on the right track. Coal already fuels more than 50% of all power stations in America, but I say we don’t stop there. 50% has never been “good enough” for America in the past, and we can’t let it be good enough now. We have another 250 years of coal under this great land of ours. I bet we can run through that in less than a hundred if we put our minds to it!

Basically, the choice is this: either we buy good, solid, made-in-America coal, and power our homes and businesses with patriotism, or we allow yet another industry to be outsourced to the Chinese and the Arabs. I love a good General Tso kebab as much as the next man, but Uncle Sam comes first, and he’s hungry for a hard black nugget of pure, American-grade coal.

Don’t let him starve.

One of the biggest criticisms in politics and in life is to call somebody a flip-flopper. Indecisive people are the scum of the earth. Or are they. I’m not completely decided on that yet. I know I don’t like ‘em, though. See, the problem with a flip-flopper is that they can’t be relied upon for something. One day they’re smoking a joint, and 30 years later they’re leading an anti-Marijuana campaign and writing up their old smoke-buddy friends.

It’s betrayal. It’s a betrayal of a cause, and of a friendship. I know I’ll never go back to New Mexico now, even if it was legal for me to do so. I can’t handle the emotional pain. And that’s what it means to be indecisive: you destroy the lives of everybody around you.

I want to tell you a little story. When I was younger, I had a friend named Rick. Rick was small for his age, and not particularly bright. It’s kind of a common set of traits for people named Rick. Anyway, one day Rick and I were going to go to the circus together, but Rick couldn’t go. Turns out, his mom said, Rick got sick. In fact, Rick got so sick that he couldn’t come out to play for a very long time.

After a while, though, he got better and we went for walks and saw shows and played together and it was like Rick had never been sick at all. But then one day Rick couldn’t come out to play, and his mom said he’d never be able to come out to play ever again. Rick had died of polio. I was devastated.

And you know why?

Not just because Rick had died, but because Rick had gotten better and then died. I never forgave Rick for that, and I could never love another person I even suspected of being a flip-flopper. This is why I can’t ever vote Democrat. This, and their morally abhorrent position on women’s rights to choose.

Once you define a position, stick to it and defend it to the death. I don’t care how wrong you are – this is what men do. Anything else makes you a fickle pickle. Fickle pickle, fickle pickle!

America is the auto-nation. I live 20 miles from the nearest store. Not because I couldn’t have bought an apartment closer, but because driving is like the national pastime. And if there’s one thing I want to support, it’s pastimes. Driving is in our blood. We all do it, and every patriotic American loves it. It’s good for us, too. Most of the time, anyway. The only exception is handicapped parking: this corrupt and broken system is actually causing American obesity.

Did you know that most people who have handicapped stickers aren’t actually handicapped? In fact, it’s apparently the third most corrupt government program behind the postal service and the Marines. People photocopy their neighbors’ passes and stick it in their windows. Or they fake a limp and get their doctor in on the scam. It’s disgraceful.

And those who aren’t faking are just as bad. 90% of legitimate handicapped passes last year were handed out to those who had problems that were a direct result of obesity. Bad joints, difficulty walking, etc. Yes, that obesity, the one caused by laziness, overeating, and lack of exercise and self-control.

So these people are self-inducing a handicap, which then results in what. You guessed it… less exercise! Now do you see why the system is so broken? Fat folks are being given a free pass to a sedentary life-style. They’re just digging themselves deeper. Well, not literally – if they were, maybe they’d get fit.

I feel like I’m an enabler. I wouldn’t give a heroin addict a free pass for unlimited needles at VeinsRUs, so why is my government helping the great waddling unwashed in their continued pursuit of fatness? It’s wrong. The American government has to help these people. I know we all believe in small-government, but this has to be the exception. The situation is too dire.

My suggestion is we split the handicapped parking system into two sections: one, people with disabilities unrelated to obesity. There are like five of them in America, so this shouldn’t be too hard. They can keep their spots up near the front doors. For the rest, I say we move their special reserved spots to the very back of the parking lots.

It’s the least we can do for them.

There’s a lot to hate about Rick Perry. Sure, the man’s a pea-brained, fat-headed buffoon who isn’t hard enough on crime, and doesn’t seem to love Jesus as well as he could. But there’s a soft underbelly to the man that never seems to come up in the mainstream media. You see, the damn liberals on CNN and MSNBC, the New York Times, they’re all too biased and left-wing to allow the truth to be heard, because they know if they did, Perry would win the election in a landslide.

It’s unfortunate, really, because Perry’s stances on some of the most important issues of our day have until now gone completely unheard. Did you know that Rick Perry supports full Pear Rights? For thousands of years, my people have been enslaved. We’re stolen from our trees, packed like animals into boxes, and shipped to stores to be displayed and sold like goods.

Do you know what it’s like to be picked before your time? Imagine if a doctor had come into your mother’s womb and stolen you away from her before you were even ready to be born!

the man’s a pea-brained, fat-headed buffoon

Can you imagine the pain and suffering pears have endured for generations? The cramped conditions of those shipping crates are inhumane. Few pears escape without scars, and the bruises go deeper than the skin.

Can you imagine the humiliation of being lined up like chattel to be sold? To be poked and prodded by every curious buyer with a buck to spare? And then to be taken away. To be owned completely, with no hope of freedom.

The only thing most pears have to look forward to is a quick death. Few of us ever live long enough to get mushy.

That’s why I support Rick Perry. He has promised that, as president, one of his first acts would be to emancipate my proud people. He promises to release us from the bonds of our slavery, to remove the jackboot from our necks. To end the worst continuous mass slaughter humanity has ever seen.

A vote for Rick Perry is a vote for Pear Rights. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

When I was growing up kids got to school in one of three ways. Either they walked, a parent drove them, or they took the bus. And yet, though all three students got to school the same, not all three students of these transportation techniques arrived at school the same student. Taking the bus creates a certain type of person. It shapes, and molds. It forms young minds and young spirits. Taking the bus is an integral part of creating a Real American.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, buses are smelly and dirty. And yes, that doesn’t help kids already struggling with body odor issues. But think of it this way: is life always clean and fragrant? Rarely, especially at my house. There’s a life lesson in that, and kids who wimp out and walk the 10 miles to school are going to miss it.

Life isn’t always pretty. I know that better than anybody. I’ve had to suffer nearly all my life with almost intolerable ugliness. Sometimes a paper bag is the only thing that gets me through the day. The bus teaches kids ways to cope with what they will eventually recognize is the almost unending misery of life in modern America.

Thanks to the rotting away of self-respect and independence in American culture over the past few decades, kids today will have little more than pain and suffering to look forward to. Their lives are going to be ones of hardship and suffering. Ones of trial and tribulations. It’s a jungle out there, and our kids need every advantage they can get.

I’ve had to suffer nearly all my life with almost intolerable ugliness.

That’s where riding the bus comes in. Think of it like one of those training camps they use for American soldiers before they send them to the Middle East to fight terrorism. The school bus, with its social inequality, stench, violence, rampant corruption, and all-around unpleasantness, is like a microcosm of wider society. Kids who go through that are going to come out of it better trained to deal with everyday life in the Greatest Nation in the World.

Really, the best thing you can do for your child these days is to make sure they ride the bus as a child. Miss the bus, turn out a wuss.

I’ve developed a reputation here on xanga, and across the internet, for taking the hard stances. For speaking up for the little guy. For saying what needs to be said. Today is no exception. The topic de jour? Human-animal relations. I think it’s disgraceful. Every time I think about it, I’m filled with loathing. It’s hypocritical, it’s immoral, and it’s downright cruel. Our modern American culture flaunts the flora but fails to fuck fauna. It’s wrong, xanga. You know it, and I know it. Love is love.

The first law of God in Christianity is to love thy neighbour. In fact, love is the strongest commandment of God. It’s the purpose of our species, it’s both why and how we’re all here. We owe it to our society, to our species, and to our God to reproduce. A childless couple is scorned and shunned by every human society on the planet, and rightly so. They’re selfish, Godless heathens who refuse the natural order of things.

But they’re not the only ones.

For hundreds, if not thousands of years now, we’ve been led astray. Corrupt, ignorant, and evil priests, rabbis, imams (and the leaders of the other religions I don’t know) have been telling us having sex with animals is wrong. Well I’ve got news for you: they’re wrong. Having sex with an animal is one of the highest exhibitions of Godliness possible for a human being.

God has told humanity to act as good stewards of the earth. It’s our responsibility to maintain and protect the planet. More than that, though, it’s our responsibility also to spread love and peace and wellbeing. And frankly, I just don’t see how we can do that unless we’re willing to practise what we preach.

So next time you go out and pass a dog in the street, give it a wink. Next time you go horse riding, give that beautiful mare an extra special pat from me. And next time you go deep sea diving, make a friend of that octopus in a way you never have before. God will thank you, and so will Fido.

Today I had beanless chilli and spaghetti covered in cheddar cheese for breakfast, and I plan on having hamburgers for dinner. Most nights I end the day with a giant bowl of ice cream. I drink Coke and Dr Pepper when I get thirsty, and I probably go through five to 10 snack-sized candy bars throughout the day when I get peckish. None of this sounds very healthy, and it’s not. That’s because I don’t believe in eating healthy.

 See, I’m not convinced that the “man’s” definition of what’s “healthy” is even correct. You know I’m suspicious of the supposedly “healthy” tomatoes already. But in doing the research for that article (which was featured on two prestigious websites, health kicker, and Ireallylikefood) I began to have my eyes opened. I think it’s mostly bogus.

“I’m not convinced that the “man’s” definition of what’s “healthy” is even correct.” - The Mushy Pear

 For instance, Dr Oz just said that controlling blood pressure was the most important thing a person could do to ensure a healthy life. That doesn’t even come close to true. For instance, I knew a guy who used to track his blood pressure religiously. He did everything right. And his reward? He was hit by a bus about a year ago. And he isn’t the only one! Clearly, looking both ways before you cross the street is at least as important to ensuring a long life as blood pressure is.

 So think about it: if Dr Oz is wrong, who can we trust? He’s one of the biggest, most respected names in the industry. But if heart pressure isn’t important, and vegetables aren’t actually healthy, we’re left in a vacuum. We have no idea what’s good and what’s not good.  Suggestions by the supposed “professionals” are dictated by one thing only: profit. They profit, we jump like jack knaves through hoops, and in the end they buy yachts and we buy early graves.

 This is why I eat chilli for breakfast and hamburgers for dinner. Because my life is my own, and because my brain is my own, and because I won’t stand to be manipulated anymore. There’s only one surefire method for a healthy, long life: eating pears. It’s intuitive, it’s easy, it’s delicious. There’s no big corporation out there profiting, there’s no suckering going on. Just good, honest pear consumption and long happy lives.

 So go ahead, have that deep fried Twinkie. Enjoy that extra slice of pie, or that third piece of steak. Gorge yourself on buffets of potato soup, movie theatre popcorn, and battered sweet and sour chicken balls. Just make sure you finish it up with a delicious pear afterwards.