Bottled Water Can Save America

You know, the crazy naysayers of this Great Nation often like to team up with eco-terrorists in an attempt to decry the common use of bottled water. The problem is, these unpatriotic men and animals completely fail to realize the importance that water bottles play in the fate of our nation. By preventing their use, they’re basically trying to destroy the country.

America, the last and greatest bastion of democracy and freedom, has always relied on capitalism and the pursuit of profit. For a brief period between 1876 and 1879 almost no profit was made at all when it fell out of fashion among the elites and the glitterati, and as a result the country was almost destroyed. Not a lot of people know about it, because the academic eggheads in their Ivory Towers work hard to keep the truth from us.

So, when people try to prevent good, honest American folk from using bottled water, and instead encourage them to drink tap water – the vastly cheaper option – they’re pretty much discouraging the pursuit of profit that is the life-blood of the Land of the Free. I won’t go so far as to say they’re intentionally trying to destroy America, because they know that’d be futile, but it’s pretty darn irresponsible.

It doesn’t matter that most bottled water is local tap. In fact, that actually makes it even MORE important to buy bottled water. Think about it: tap water is really, really cheap for the bottled water companies. They’re basically making a killing. Hence, capitalism and the pursuit of profit is being engaged in to the nth degree. That’s the finest display of patriotism I can think of.

So if you love America more than you love Earth, you’ll step up and do your duty and buy plastic bottles. I don’t care if you’re at home, and live in a city with a fantastic municipal system. I don’t care if your car isn’t big enough to lug all those containers home for your daily shower without multiple trips. Suck it up, princess; we’re at war. America is calling. Are you man enough to answer?

  1. themushypear posted this
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